Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.