Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
You Might Also Like
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.