Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
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I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology