Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
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I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.