Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.