Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
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No. YOU-buprofen.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Cat.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed