Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
![]()
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
For the baby who has everything
![]()
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
This is not me but this is me
![]()
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.