Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.