Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
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Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence