Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes