Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
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*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Hitlers gonna hitl
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face