Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
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[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
2023 was just a warmup
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”