whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
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So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours