Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
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How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Customize Your Wedding.
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Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
the short answer to this question
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.