Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bed should get ready for ME

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.