Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
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Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?