Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
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Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached