Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

Google Pay be like:

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

?

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.