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Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I’m not stressed
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital