Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.