Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
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remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed