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Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
New tinder profile pic
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks