Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.