Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.