Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business