Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.