Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.