Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

it be like that

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

Pringles

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you