Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
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“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Okey dokey.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.