Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
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Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
lol
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Hello, my name is Pierre.