Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

😐

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage