Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

the battle rages on

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!