Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know