Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test