Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.