Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
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2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
peeping toms
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I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
monday
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My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas