Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never tried cheese.
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat