Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
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“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
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nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!![]()
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.