Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
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Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Smells like a challenge to me
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.