Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
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Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
be careful
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother