Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
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Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Sharon, call the vet
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord