Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

sir, my pâté if you please

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”