Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
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Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
A couple who are silly together stay together.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.