Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
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me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Are you a cat person or a person person?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
favorite tropes as memes
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.