Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

🧠

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

so i’m at the stock market right