Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
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Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.