Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
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So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.