son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter