Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
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When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006