Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did