Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
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Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
How does one answer this?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can