Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
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them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.