Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
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Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao