@gengen874

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

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@ginadivittorio

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

@BigFatNothing

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

@envydatropic

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

@AndrewNadeau0

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

@JElvisWeinstein

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

@panmidwest

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

@Cpin42

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

@Social_Mime

They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.