@gengen874

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

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@Ndeshi_M

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

@Reverend_Scott

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

@jdforshort

If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert

@rahtzee

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

@patrickoriley

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

@onelongbender

My internet boyfriend doesn’t know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.

@threetimedaddy

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

@ch000ch

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it