Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.