Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
You Might Also Like
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
