Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
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God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
classic mixup
this is the best interaction on twitter
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I will never stop laughing at this
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide