Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
You Might Also Like
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
never forget
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.