Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
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completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas