Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
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“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Denise please return my vape pen
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Holy crap this is wonderful
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.