Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
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Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Software Development ⛵️
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”