Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Finally a use for spoilers…
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.