Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”