Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

5 ways to appear taller

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

mom gave me mine for free

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.