Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say