Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.