Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
pictures of spider-man
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something