Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
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DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
this was very charming
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
some Old Testament wisdom
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*