Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
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Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that