Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.