Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.