Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

December birthdays be like…

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice