Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…