Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
This did not end as expected.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Everything reminds me of my ex
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.