Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.