People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.