@T_Bonezzz

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

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@PJTLynch

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

@mulliganstewed

As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.

@karanbirtinna

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

@TheCiscoKidder

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

@ThePocketJustin

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

@SteveKoehler22

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

@Brianhopecomedy

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

@JasonLastname

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.