Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

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When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.


when I got married in 1980 one of husbands old aunts took me aside and said “be a good wife and do sex on demand”

Me “what if he can’t keep up with my demands do I take a lover?”

She never spoke to me EVER again


No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.


Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.


Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.


*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!


The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.


It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.