@T_Bonezzz

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

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@JohnLyonTweets

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

@JaneyGodley

when I got married in 1980 one of husbands old aunts took me aside and said “be a good wife and do sex on demand”

Me “what if he can’t keep up with my demands do I take a lover?”

She never spoke to me EVER again

@cravin4

No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.

@stephpaulus

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

@Ooft_Headshot

Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.

@bruinsphan_24

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

@JohnLyonTweets

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

@BucMarvin

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.