Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one