Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
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It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.
-old irish blessing
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
realest tweet ever.
